Street Lights and Skinned Knees [EDITORIAL]

Part 1: Editorial by Brad Best

Since the beginning of time, each generation has worried about the next. As I get older, I worry about some of the same things that my parents worried about for me. I worry that, in some cases, the younger generation is looking for someone to solve their problems. Some seem too quick to become upset and lash out, likely because they don’t handle disappointment well. Others often expect immediate satisfaction or have a sense of entitlement as if someone owes them something just because they want it.

I think that our young people in this community are among the best I have ever had the privilege of working with in my life. But, I do worry that the pervasive news across the nation about upset people looking for satisfaction has an effect on young minds. I know that it has had an effect with my own children.

Early in my career, I was a science teacher. Science teachers deal with what we can observe and measure. When I talked to students about the laws of physics, we always related it to real-life situations. We talked about “if this is done, then this happens” and that it happens each and every time. We also talked about how important it was to fail in order to learn, especially when conducting experiments toward an unknown result.

In science, nature takes care of the decision making for us. For example, if we let go of a bowling ball held above our foot, gravity will solve this equation for us. Once I moved into the realm of administration, I still worked with students on the concept of “if this is done, then this happens”. But, when teaching students about social protocol and acceptable behavior or when building one’s character, the solution is as unique as the individual.

After decades in the business of education, it has become evident to me that people, when shown the possible outcomes, make the “correct” decision more times than not.  By “putting the ball back in their court”, they figure out the right path for the desired outcome. Not always solving their problems for them, not fighting their battles for them, and allowing them to “stub their toe” once in awhile was often the best and quickest way for students to learn an expectation.

So, how do we make sure that our youth maintain those standards that we expect? How do we keep their expectations grounded, to accept “no” and deal with disappointment, and take responsibility for their decisions? The answer, I feel, is similar to teaching a child to ride a bike.

1. Nurture the Will – This is not telling them what they should do, but supporting and building the “want to” that they inherently have in order to achieve a goal.

2. Provide Instruction – To ride a bicycle, we provide basic instructions about balance, pedaling, using the brakes, etc. For everyday life, we teach them right from wrong, the way things work, and “what happens if you do or don’t” do something.

3. Establish Trust – Trust is earned, not demanded or something we should expect to receive. Not letting go of the bicycle seat too early builds trust.

4. Offer Reassurance – Reassurance provides the safety net above which children can reach their potential.

5. Encourage – We don’t expect someone to ride down the street without training wheels on the first few attempts.  We should not pressure kids to meet inflated expectations, but allow them to reach their own potential by supporting them and letting them know that we believe in them.

6. Provide Guidance – Holding the bicycle seat helps a child figure out how far they can lean before they fall. Providing guidance in other areas doesn’t mean telling them how it must be done. It is providing boundaries between which they can make decisions, fully understanding that if they go outside those limits, it will likely result in an unpleasant ending.

7. Praise – Too much praise becomes shallow and meaningless. Too little may make the previous strategies meaningless.

8. Show Empathy – Saying, “I know it is hard and that you skinned your knee, but it’s O.K.” goes a long way in seeing another strong effort. Dwelling on all the things that could have been done better destroys a child’s will.

9. Celebrate – We celebrate as a way to make someone feel better for a job well done, not to just feel better.  High expectations are good, as long as we celebrate the little things on the way to success.

Just walking through the steps in this process is not enough. They need to be combined with the appropriate level of expectations from those that they trust, admire, or respect. Unfortunately, I have seen too many times the failure of young people to reach their full potential because of unreasonably high or low expectations. If, regardless of hard we work, the expectations of others are never met we tend to give up. If nobody holds us to a higher expectation, any purpose is defeated by apathy. We all need to take a step back from time to time and re-evaluate our expectations of others, because when we are immersed in the process, we often lose perspective of what it looks like from the outside in.

Through coaching and sponsoring high school activities for over 15 years, I understand the long list of positives that come from students being involved. Those activities are a crucial part of teaching young people responsibility, teamwork, reliability, hard work, etc. I have also seen what happens when we lose track of those responsibilities mentioned earlier and let our grandiose ideas trump logic.

Next month, I will offer an example related to activities, but only because I think it illustrates the importance of modeling a balance of many responsibilities we have in shaping in our children’s lives.